Forever Changed

Thoughts come easy, words don't. This month has been like none other in my life. I've watched strong Soldiers cry, wives mourn the loss of their husbands, mothers and fathers mourn the loss of their sons, siblings mourn the loss of their brothers, children mourn the loss of their fathers, and friends mourn the loss of great friends.

Death has a sting like none other. It forever leaves its mark on our lives. It scars our hearts and leaves us forever changed. It's something no one wants to face in life, but something we most assuredly will if we live long enough. Babies born just before daddy's departure to Afghanistan, or soon after, and those yet to be born will never know what it feels like to be held by them. They will only have pictures and stories told by others to cling to; not even a memory.

My mind has been filled with thoughts to the point of overflowing this last week as we mourned the loss of Soldiers in our own battalion. One was a friend, and someone my husband greatly misses downrange. He brought smiles, encouragement & company to my best friend. They prayed together and opened God's Word together. They talked about his unborn child and his sweet wife. When he was finally able to call out, I cried as he shared with me he had lost a good friend. Even now, it's hard for me not to cry about that loss, for war is already difficult and even more so when you lose a friend.

I will never forget the moment when it hit me who it was and that my friend, Sarah, had just lost the love of her life. I couldn't speak without crying as I shared with her what her Chaplain, my husband, wanted her to know. He had just married them 9 months prior.

Her strength and faith in God has been a testimony to us all. She smiles while others cry. She tells us she's praying for our husbands just moments after having said good-bye to hers. She is a woman we all admire and love.

Though it has been a difficult month, I've grown closer to many of our ladies in the battalion, and experienced things that only come through such tragedy. I've made many new friends, who I would not have known otherwise, that have touched my life beyond words. I've watched our Soldiers give it their all to honor their fallen brothers (even those wounded coming to the memorial & funeral), and experienced a new level of patriotism and honor. And for all this, and other reasons I still can't find the words to express, my life has been forever changed.

I will never forget those who gave their lives, nor stop praying for those who continue to honor them by continuing the mission set before them.

Thank you!

To everyone who has stopped by to let me know you are praying for me and my family, and the Soldiers and their families - THANK YOU!

To everyone who has stopped by to ask questions or check in on me - THANK YOU! I am sorry I haven't answered questions or written much lately! Our brigade has had a tough few weeks, losing 9 Soldiers and having several others injured, and life has been busy ministering to the ladies God has put in my life. I promise to write more later. Just wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about you all and appreciate all you do to show your love and support!!

Trials and Peace

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, wanting to hear from my husband...more so, wanting him to be home with me. It's been a long month. It goes by quickly for him, he says, since he's so busy, but for me it sometimes feels like forever before I'll see him again.

After starting some laundry, I sat down to try to plan out a little of his R&R. We're planning to meet up somewhere other than home, since the winter months can get very long and dreary here. After a few phone calls, I felt I needed to stop. It's just too much to bear today. My heart is heavy missing him, and the frustration I was feeling from trying to plan out something so far in advance was getting the best of me.

The first load of laundry was ready to go in the dryer so I ran upstairs to put it in and start another load. There, throwing clothes from washer to dryer, the tears started coming quickly. It hurts more than I can bear sometimes. I want him here, not there today. It's hard when you want something you can't have...there's no bargaining for this particular request!

While straightening up a few things around the house, tears still falling, I felt compelled to get my "Moments of Peace for the Morning" book and read the thought for the day. It's funny how that works out sometimes. After reading it, I immediately realized I'd be much better off if I had started my day with God.

It started out like this - "As you awoke this morning, you may have felt like grain - threshed and milled by trials." ...My life is filled with moments where I wonder if God slipped in a note just for me to read at the very moment I needed it. One particular part said, "The moment will come and the threshing will end, and we will be prepared with the patience, faith and humility that only milling can create in your life." God's reassurance that He is here with me now, and that a moment will come when all this will end, brings me hope!

I love the little prayer at the end that brought me to the place where I needed to be to face the day - "Thank you, God, that trials don't last forever but that qualities you build in me do."

Three Poems in Two Days...

I'm not really sure what's going on in this head of mine...but I'm keeping pen and notepad handy!

Called to Serve Both God and Country

This journey will be long…
At times, a little rough
But, we’ll find the peace to make it through
For in God’s name we trust!

When the fear of the unknown
Grips our hearts and minds
May we find our strength in Christ
To help us we carry on

When we think it’s more than we can bear
And we’ve fallen to our knees
Please pick us up and dust us off
And fill us with Your peace

When we feel our hearts can take no more
And this journey steals our joy
We know You’ll quickly bring us back
To what we’re fighting for!

(Above is from my last post that has the pictures)

Their Faces Tell A Story

I see them walking to and fro
They look a lot like me
I wonder if their Soldier left
And where he had to be

It's not an easy thing, you know
For everywhere I go
I see a Soldier standing near
Or a loved one all alone

Our faces tell a story
No matter what's about
'Cause everywhere we go these days
Our hearts are torn apart


Worlds Apart

It's one a.m. where I lay
And half past noon for him
Our worlds are very different now
Though our hearts still beat as one

While my day's just beginning
His is winding down
I spend my waking hours
Praying he is safe and sound

God, help me to remember
When I'm tired and all alone
There's more to life than I can see
And one day he'll be home

Pictures say a thousand words...

Called to serve both God and CountryThis journey will be long...
At times, a little rough
But, we'll find the peace to make it through
For in God's name we trust! When the fear of the unknown... Grips our hearts and mindsMay we find our strength in Christ

To help us carry on.

When we think it's more than we can bear...

And we've fallen to our knees...

Please pick us up, and dust us off...

And fill us with your peace!

When we feel our hearts can take no more...

And this journey steals our joy

We know you'll quickly bring us back

To what we're fighting for!

Coincidence? ...I don't think so!

About two weeks ago I went to the library to look for a book that might help to distract me from the upcoming deployment. As I walked down the rows and rows of books, I felt a bit overwhelmed so I stopped and asked God to help me find something that would minister to my heart. After my short prayer, I walked over to the religious section, but nothing caught my eye so I moved on. Until recently, fiction hasn't really been my thing. For the most part, I felt like I was wasting my time if I didn't read something that would help me grow in some way.

Another row passed and I almost walked out of the library when a book caught my eye. I'm not even sure why, other than it had an inviting cover, maybe? The name - Sunset, and the description - The power of a family's love and the healing miracle of redemption (written by Karen Kingsbury). Hmm...sounded a bit interesting, and I thought it must be Christian fiction, so I thumbed through a few of the pages and thought to myself, what do I have to lose; if it's not any good, it's only a library book and I can bring it back. At the time I didn't notice it was a series; series #4. I thought about taking it back and looking for #1, but, for some strange reason, I felt like I was to start there and go back later. So I did.

It wasn't long before I felt this overwhelming certainty that this book had something in it I needed to hear. There was one day when I was struggling with the whole deployment issue - what if something happens to Kevin, what if I lose my husband and best friend, what if... No sooner did I get into the book that day and it talked about one of the character's grandparents, and how they loved to sing. One of their favorite songs - Have Thine Own Way, Lord. I smiled and knew God was telling me to put all my trust in Him and let Him have His way in my life, in Kevin's life, in our children's lives, and so on. I stopped there for the evening and just pondered that thought for a while.

Just this weekend I was talking to Whitney, our daughter, about the book. I told her about the song and how God used it to speak to my heart. The next day, during communion at church, the piano began to play Have Thine Own Way. Coincidence? ...I don't think so! Was it what I needed to hear again? ...I'm certain it was! God was reassuring me that it was He who was speaking to me that day.

Two things happened last night that made me think I've got to write this down:

1) Yesterday I was driving back from lunch and decided to turn on the radio - something I rarely do when by myself in the car these days, since it tends to make me want to cry, and a song from Jeremy Camp came on - Walk by Faith. I'm not certain how I kept myself composed as that song takes on a lot of meaning for me. It's a song I used with some picture videos I made - one for our son when he was leaving for Basic Training in the Air Force, and the other when my husband had finished training and I put together a video of pictures to show friends and family before we left for our first Post. There sitting in the parking lot at work, I typed on my facebook status "I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see." Last night, in the book, the song came up! I could not believe it! I told Kevin about it and even he thought that was amazing and strange all at the same time. By this time, he had heard other ways the book seemed to speak truth to me in our circumstances.

2) Last night before we went to bed I began working on something I want to send out to people as a reminder to pray for Kevin and his soldiers. As I looked and looked for the scripture that I wanted to add to it, I found myself right back where Kevin and I both tend to find ourselves in the bible when times are tough. I wasn't looking for that particular verse. In fact, I didn't think about it at all but knew there were a lot of good verses, but something new or different from our favorites might be nice. But, in the end, it just seemed to be the one I was supposed to use. It is Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

After spending time snuggling with Kevin, he feel off to sleep and I picked back up my book. I couldn't sleep and, besides, I wondered what was next in the story. Before falling off to sleep though, Kevin jokingly said, "I hope there's not a part in that book where a chaplain gets killed." I had already told him there was a character in the book who went off to war - another part of the book that I found odd in the story. Anyway, about a half hour into the book, that very scripture I just mentioned came up! I was speechless! Good thing since Kevin was fast asleep. I ended up finishing the book, tears rolling down my cheeks, wondering what it all meant. Why had so many things in this particular book spoken to my heart? I've been reminded time after time in this book that God is in control and His plans are higher than my plans.

I'm still pondering it all and not sure how to wrap my mind around it all, but I do know this - it's not a coincidence that I picked up that book and began to read it at this exact time in my life. God is faithful. Only He can bring the strength and comfort I need to make it through this next year. He will be glorified in all this, and He will use Kevin to minister and speak comfort, peace, and strength to those Soldiers. I know we are here for a purpose and I'm thankful that God used this book to speak to me in the midst of all I'm going through right now. I know the road ahead is going to be tough at times, more than I'll want to endure, but God will be with us all every step of the way. I couldn't be more certain of that right now. He used a fiction book, sitting on a book in the library among hundreds of other books, to tell me He is here with us through it all.

Thankful Thursday...Bravery & Sacrifice

What would life be like without the brave?

What if no one was willing to sacrifice for our freedom?

This Thursday I'm extremely thankful for the brave men and women of our Armed Forces. I'm thankful for the sacrifice of many so that we can be free, and so that those who aren't yet free can live in anticipation of it. I often wonder where we would be without men and women who are brave and sacrificial. I know we would be in a heap of trouble, that's for sure!

Three men in my family serve our country - my husband, my son and my son-in-law. All three will be deploying in the very near future. All three hold a very special place in my heart, and their bravery and sacrifice sometimes overwhelms me.

This 4th of July, I pray all Americans will think beyond the parties, parades, and pretty fireworks displays; that they will stop and pray for those in harm's way and thank God for their freedom.

Thank you to our brave Soldiers, Airmen, Sailors, Marines and Coast Guard! To the many in harm's way, and your families, know that many are praying for you as you bravely fight on foreign soil. Thank you for your bravery and sacrifice!

A few words...

I'm not even sure how to begin this post. It's been so long since I've written anything - or at least finished it. Several times I would begin to write, but the words just wouldn't flow so I gave up. Time is drawing near and my heart aches. We've spent as much time together as possible - another reason I fail to post much on my blog these days - but it doesn't seem like enough when I compare it to the time we will have to be apart.

Thank you to each of you who have written recently to tell me how I've ministered to you through my blog, or told me you are praying for me and my family. That has ministered to my heart! I have so many wonderful friends through this blog and I'm so very thankful for that. Hang with me through this time of few-and-far-between posts, or little communication via email or facebook. Each of you holds a special place in my heart and I cherish our friendship. Thank you for sticking with me and sharing how God is working in your life right now. I'm happy to say we have new chaplains who recently began their ministry, or have word they have been accepted, so I'm thrilled about that and celebrate with them! Praise the Lord!

Again, thank you, friends, for your love, encouragement and prayers. Soon enough I'll be back to writing more often and keeping in touch better. For now, it will continue to be few-and-far-between when I post as I minister to my husband and family as time draws near.

Discussions We All Hate

We don't want to think about it, much less talk about it, but death is something every Soldier and wife must talk about before the Soldier deploys. It's difficult, it hurts, it stings, it tears at the very core of your heart as you look into the eyes of the one you love and have to talk about the possibility of death - but it's important.

My husband and I have been having these conversations off and on some lately. Off and on because it's hard to do in one sitting. It's not easy, and it makes me want to vomit when I think about it, but I know it has to be discussed and certain things have to be set in place. When he tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to have to think about it later, if it were to happen, I can't argue with that. But, I do cry (which makes it even harder for him to discuss).

To get to the point - this morning I was wide awake at 5 a.m. (not by choice because it's Saturday, but because I'm used to it) and, as I was reading my bible, I came across this (it's long so prepare to stay engaged and read it all):

1 Corinthians 15: 42-55: So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. So it is written: "The first man Adam became a living being"; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth, the second man from heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the man from heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the man from heaven.
I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

All of it spoke to my heart. All of it moved me to tears. All of it made me think about the man God created for me. All of it made me so grateful that he has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. All of it made me rejoice that we don't have to worry about death. Christ gives us VICTORY over death! I love the verse that says, "we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed..." And I love the final verse that helped me to find peace with the very thing I feared the most. I put it in bold letters above, but I want us to read it again - Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

The Lord has called my husband to something that requires that he give up EVERYTHING and go to the place God has called him to go. The Lord is asking him daily to give himself fully to the work of the Lord, and His Word tells us that it is NOT in vain. He's asking that of me, too, and of all who believe in Him. We must stand firm and let NOTHING move us! We MUST give ourselves fully to the work of the Lord, and, if in that, we lose our life (physically) then we will know what it is to stand in the presence of Almighty God!

We will continue to have these tough conversations, but the sting has lessened by the power of God's Word and the promises therein.

Thank you for your Word, God. Thank you for your promises. Thank you that because of Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made we can live in victory today and forevermore.

The Touch of His Hand

Early this morning my husband rolled over and moved his arm to the back of my pillow and, as it woke me, I put my hand in his. I'm finding these simple touches instantly bring me to this thought - how in the world am I going to live without him for so long?